Touched By A Mongoose
by Kasai-kun
Summary: An interesting little fic featuring G Wing, a little J-Rock, my friend and I, and an adorable little Mongoose. Soap opera-esque. It's funny!! Really!!!


"Touched by a Mongoose"  
  
  
  
1 Hello, O Gentle Reader. This story needs some background information. Firstly. I was high on cough medicine the other night, and ran around the house screaming "Touch my mongoose!". Yes, I know it sounds obscene, but it's sort of an inside joke. So then I think to myself "You know, that sounds like a show! 'Touched by a Mongoose'. Ha ha ha! I'll write a fanfic!" And so it was. A 4-Part (not four chapters, four… settings, I suppose.) Gundam Wing fanfic, for the purpose of well-developed characters and… comedy. As for the mongoose… well, our little mongoose friend doesn't really have an explination. Why a mongoose? Why not a baboon? Well, Gentle Reader, I'm not sure. Mongeese are just… cute. Very cute. There should be more mongoose mascots in anime… and that name!! It just rolls off your tongue.. MONGOOSE… ::blink:: Yeah, um, I'll stop now. Alright. Now on to more important things.  
  
CHARACTERS  
  
Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei: If you know Gundam Wing, you know these guys. PLEASE tell me I don't need to explain it….  
  
Mongoose: He's the sickeningly cute comic relief. Love him, or die. Oh yeah, and "dooks" are the little noises ferrets and other mustelids make. ^^  
  
Kasai: That would be me. I love Duo. I'm bisexual, and have a rather hentai-filled mind, as you'll discover within this fic. I act as the director and uh… other things. Yeah.  
  
Katze: One of my best friends. She (used to) love Trowa. Now loves J- Rock. She's fun to write about. =)  
  
Mana and Hide: J-Rock guys. Mana's a crossdresser. Hide killed himself when he was drunk. Nice, huh? These happen to be two of Katze's favorite band members, so I stuck them in there for good measure..  
  
Okay. And now for the things we know you don't want to hear.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing. Or J-Rock and peoples. I do, however, own the characters "Kasai" and "Mongoose". Katze owns "Katze". Duh. And very importantly…  
  
***!!!This fanfic is not suitable for people who are very religious, very easily offended, very homophobic, or very Quatre-loving. Also not for people who can't take jokes and hate a little fluffy and shounen-ai. Kay? You have been warned. Don't flame me. !!!***  
  
One more thing. This has very little to do with Gundam W. It has very little to do with anything. It's poorly written, but hey, comedy doesn't need to be Tolkien. Okay, so it's not that funny either. I wrote it just for the heck of it. If you hate it, too bad. I love it. So there. And I'm REALLY going to shut up now. So, Gentle Reader, hold onto your mongeese.  
  
-Part 1. The Episode-  
  
(Soap opera theme song plays. Text appears on screen.)  
  
TEXT: A Shmee Production... (C) 2002 Kasai... Starring...  
  
(Montage of Duo... wearing large white angel wings.)  
  
TEXT: Duo Maxwell...  
  
(Montage of a rather manic looking Heero, attempting to mutilate the wings attatched to his shoulders)  
  
TEXT: Heero Yuy...  
  
HEERO: (attacks contract) THREE SEASONS, MY ASS!  
  
(Montage of Quatre, looking oh-so pretty in his pink wings.)  
  
TEXT: Quatre Raberba Winner as Heaven's Residential Pansy...  
  
(Montage of Trowa, his hair taking up a disturbing amount of the screen.)  
  
TEXT: Trowa Barton...  
  
TROWA: ...  
  
(Montage of many horribly embarrassing shots of Wufei, i.e. picking his nose off the set, scratching himself off the set... alright, so none of them are actually from the show itself.)  
  
TEXT: Change Wufei...  
  
WUFEI: INJUSTICE!!!  
  
(Montage of a positively adorable little mongoose riding on the shoulders of the 5 pilots.)  
  
TEXT: ...And Mongoose... as "The Mongoose"...  
  
(Episode title appears on screen.)  
  
TEXT: "Felt up by a Mongoose with a Sex Change"...  
  
(Zoom in on hospital room. Heart rate monitor beeps throughout.)  
  
KATZE: ...Doctor? Do you think he'll make it?  
  
DOC: (Cradles head in hands. Frustrated sigh.) We gave him a sex change, not a heart transplant.  
  
KATZE: . . . . . . . . . . . . . (Leaps to bedside) OH MANA!!! (Cries hysterically)  
  
DOC: (Rolls eyes and exits room.)  
  
MANA: (Straining, and SOMEHOW speaking fluent English) Katze…. (Harsh whisper) KATZEE…  
  
KATZE: What is it, Mana, dearest? (Wipes concerned tear from eye.)  
  
MANA: Katze.. are my... (Raspy cough) ... do I..  
  
KATZE: (Takes his hand)  
  
MANA: (Grabs her by the collar and brings her closer to him.) Are my. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BALLS GONE?!  
  
KATZE: (Eyes get all misty with relief) Oh Mana…  
  
MANA: (No longer whispering) Tell me, bitch! Do I or do I not still posess TESTICLES?! (Slaps her)  
  
KATZE: (Rubs cheek.) Jeezus! Someone's had too much painkiller... (Lifts up blanket over him slightly. Eye twitches..) Ick.. No. They're gone. You're a woman. Happy now?  
  
MANA: (Evil look in his eye.) Yesss.... OHHHHH YESSSSS..... Now that I no longer possess testicles, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!! -- oh.. uh, thanks, Katze.  
  
KATZE: (Tears of joy well up.) OH MANA!! (flings arms around his-- erm, her- - or uh.. its neck.)  
  
MANA: AAAAAUGH!! THE MAKE-UP! THE MAKE UP!!!  
  
KATZE: WAH!! I'm sorry... Oh Mana, I'm glad everything went well. I almost--- (reads off cuecard) Wait.. that doesn't make sense... (Dazed, ditzy look.)  
  
KASAI: (Sitting in director's chair in front of the set. Shifts uneasily.) Ugh, I know. But it's the only way we could cue the frikkin' angel. Just humour me.  
  
KATZE: (Rolls eyes.) Whatever.. Anyway. Oh Mana, I almost lost faith in God there for a moment!  
  
(Celestial lights fill room. Little naked-ass cherubs start flying around the room singing.)  
  
QUATRE: (Floats in through ceiling. Pink sparkly angel wings. Baby blue eyes. Heavenly platinum blonde hair. Rather retch-worthy.) Did somebody say something about losing faith in God?!  
  
KATZE: (Rubs temples. Under breath...) I hate you, Kasai...  
  
KASAI: (Off stage.) ^_^ (Holds up triumphant little peace sign)  
  
KATZE: (Mumble.) Why, yes, Mr. Angel, I did!  
  
QUATRE: (Gasp!)  
  
KATZE: But in the end, I knew he was right here beside us all along!  
  
QUATRE: (Smiles sweetly.) That's right, Katze. Because God is ALWAYS with you! And remember…(Sings) Jeeeesus loves his little chilllllldrennnnn…..  
  
(Many retching noises from off the set.)  
  
DUO: (floats in from ceiling, Mongoose the Mongoose riding contenly on his head.) Okay, that's quite enough. This is getting disgustingly religious- y.  
  
RANDOM CREW MEMBER: (off stage. whispers to director.) ...Was this in the script..?  
  
KASAI: (rubs hands together evilly) What script?  
  
QUATRE: Gasp! Duo! There was a time when you, also, were a little… Gundam pilot of God!  
  
MONGOOSE: Weh-heh-heh! Dook dook! (Mongoose noises, okay?)  
  
DUO: Yes, and time after time I've been screwed over for it. If there was a God, why is there war? If there was a God, why is there world hunger? If there was a God, why is there... (Duo's incesant rambling continues.)  
  
(3 Hours Later...)  
  
DUO: ... If there was a God, why did Kitsune move? If there was a God, why did my goldfish die? If there was a God, why isn't Hilde dead yet? If there was a God, WHY WERE YOU BORN?!?!  
  
QUATRE, MANA, KATZE, MONGOOSE: (all asleep)  
  
MONGOOSE: (snores)  
  
DUO: (little plus sign… thing… appears above brow. Slaps Quatre, who was CONVENIENTLY closest to "Mr. Sunshine".)  
  
QUATRE: x_X There IS a God!!  
  
DUO: Oh yeah?! And how would YOU know?!  
  
QUATRE: Because... because..  
  
KASAI: (thinking to herself) Because of the wonderful things he does. Doodle-oo doodle-oo-do do do. Oh God, I have no life.  
  
QUATRE: ..because.. BECAUSE I FUCKED HIM!!  
  
ALL: O________________O  
  
MONGOOSE: (Dooks into bathroom, little retching noises in the background.)  
  
DUO: (Quietly) .. God's... gay?  
  
QUATRE: DUH, why do you think men are the "superior gender"?!  
  
KATZE: But.. I thought homosexuality was a sin!!  
  
QUATRE: Yeah... but.. uh...  
  
(Enter ye Plot Hole, large enough to drive 27 Mongoose-sized trucks through. T__T;;)  
  
DUO: OH YEAH?! Well I slept with your sister's husband's uncle's gardener's dentist's mongoose's veterinarian's DIRECTOR!!  
  
KASAI: (Puts hand behind neck smoothly and smirks) Oh yeah.. that would be me...  
  
QUATRE: (Suddenly turns somewhat evil looking.) Oh yes...? Well Duo... I happen to know something else about you... I know... all about your EVIL TWIN!!  
  
(Everyone freezes, zoom in on Duo's surprised expression, dramatic soap opera music plays.)  
  
-Part 2. The Commercial Break-  
  
ANNOUNCER: From the makers of "Zech's Herbal Remedy Skin-Clearing Half- Mask" comes... "Silent Clown Hairspray and Hair Care Products"!!  
  
(A disturbingly enthusiastic and eccentric) TROWA: That's right kids! (Jumps around doing the Vanna White-on-Ecstasy) I know you've all been wondering how I achieve this gravity-defying look. Well, with my own patented formula, you can too! For just $19.99, you'll get not one but TWO bottles of my amazing Silent Clown Hairspray!! And ABSOLUTELY FREE I'll throw in a tube of Silent Clown Mousse!!  
  
MONGOOSE: We-heh? (And other mongoose-esque noises)  
  
TROWA: (Still over-enthusiastic, a scary ear-to-ear smile on his face) No, you STUPID little mongoose! (Still with this large grin.) I said MOUSSE, not MONGOOSE!! (Grins, more jumping, leaping, etc.) Now kids, don't let this offer go to waste, I guarentee you you'll never see anything like this again!! Yes, while you may see more offers like this on the market, you'll never see me as high as a jaybird like I am now ever again!! I've talked more in this two minute commercial than I ever have and probably will EVER talk in my entire life!!! I see no Silent Clown here!! (Claps hands together) Just a couple little warnings, kiddies!! Using this product to the extent that I do, there is a slight 110% chance you may suffer (Who's suffering?) from symptoms and addictions much like those to a personal favorite pill of mine, X-TEE-SEE!! Not tested on animals, only my gay lover, Quatre!!  
  
QUATRE: (whiny, screechy, make-your-ears-bleedy) TROWAAA!!! NOW THEY'LL ALL KNOW ABOUT THE -RASH!!-  
  
TROWA: May cause allergic reactions on some mongeese!!  
  
MONGOOSE: (Looks around nervously. Flees set after playing with cans of hairspray)  
  
TROWA: Has been proved to deplete to ozone layer!! Keep out of reach of children!! Do not ingest!! Do not let come in contact with-- (gets dragged off set by Kasai)  
  
KASAI: I was wondering why you insisted your paycheck wasn't enough for "the essentials"…  
  
ANNOUNCER: Hey.. I've gotta get me some of that-- OH!! Uh, and now back to "Touched by a Mongoose!"  
  
-Part 3. The Episode... cont.-  
  
(Everyone un-freezes)  
  
DUO: You.. you know who my evil twin is.. Quatre..?  
  
QUATRE: ... Well, no, not really, but I DO know you raped our director, producer, and head writer, KASAI!!  
  
DUO: Gasp!! How dare you!! I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT!!  
  
KASAI: Well, actually, Duo's right. You cannot rape the willing. (grin)  
  
DUO: (Turns all horny) I'll see you after the show, babe. (Flashes sexy smile)  
  
KASAI: Me-ow...  
  
DUO: (Rights himself) Alright, Pansy Boy. It's time to go. It's been fun. (Winks at Katze. Grabs Quatre by the wrist and begins to float upwards.)  
  
MONGOOSE: (Still riding on Duo's head, salutes Katze and Mana with two ADORABLE little mongoose fingers. Can it get any cuter?)  
  
QUATRE: NO! Wait!! MANA!! Can I get your phone num-- (disappears through ceiling.)  
  
KATZE: o_O;; Oh Mana, I'm so glad everything turned out alright...  
  
MANA: Me too, Katze. And now we'll always know that no matter how many dresses I wear, no matter how many times you screw Hide...  
  
KASAI: He's still alive, okay? Sheesh.  
  
MANA: Ahem!! Anyway, no matter how many breast implants BOTH of us need...  
  
KASAI: (Snicker)  
  
KATZE: (Growl)  
  
MANA: SHUT UP!! JEEZUS!  
  
KATZE+KASAI: O_O  
  
MANA: NOW. No matter how many tons of make-up I apply… We'll always have a couple of angels looking out for us.  
  
KATZE: (flashes angry glare at Kasai) Yes Mana... and one little Mongoose...  
  
(Both gaze upwards. Camera zooms out and fades out.)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's "Touched by a Mongoose"!  
  
(credits roll............not that exciting....)  
  
(still rolling...)  
  
(rolling rolling rolling.. keep those credits rolling....)  
  
(HA HA, THEY END!!)  
  
ANNOUNCER: On next week's "Touched by a Mongoose"...  
  
- Trowa and Quatre commit the 8th deadly sin!  
  
- Mongoose meets Heero's ferret! Are they long-lost siblings or kinky lovers?  
  
And..  
  
- Sally Po's pregnant, but Wufei's not the father!  
  
Be sure to tune in for "Impregnated by a Mongoose!"  
  
2 -Part 4. After the Filming-  
  
(Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Kasai, Katze, Mana, and of course, Mongoose are all standing around the water cooler relaxing.)  
  
KASAI: Great job, everyone. There was little to no script involved but, ah, what the hell! (Grins) I think it should do well with ratings anyway. Do you think they can tell?  
  
ALL: (sweatdrops)  
  
QUATRE: (Fawns over the wings he's still wearing.) I really just LOVE these angel wings!!  
  
TROWA: …..  
  
WUFEI: (Stomps around madly) GAAH!! STUPID WOMAN!! I WASN'T IN THIS EPISODE ONCE!!  
  
TROWA: (Completely wiped out at the end of his high) Ruh… Wufei.. niether was I.  
  
WUFEI: At least you got a commercial!!  
  
TROWA: I was on Ecstasy.  
  
WUFEI: YOU GOT LINES.  
  
HEERO: (looks around nervously) ..where's my ferret….  
  
KASAI: More importantly, where's Mongoose… O_O Uh.. Heero? Is uh.. is your ferret female..?  
  
HEERO: o_______O;; I think so.  
  
(somewhat orgasmic dooks come from broom closet)  
  
(Kasai and Heero look at each other in horror)  
  
DUO: (Pokes Kasai) So.. where were we earlier? Ya know… with that after- the-show promise..?  
  
KASAI: (bites lip and smiles) Got the condoms?  
  
DUO: (rummages around in pocket) Got 'em. Got the whipped cream?  
  
KASAI: (twirls Duo's braid between her fingers) And the maraschino cherries. (Grabs him by the wrist and runs into nearest dressing room, slamming door behind her.)  
  
ALL OTHERS: (stand silently)  
  
(From behind the door come muffled… "sounds")  
  
ALL OTHERS: (eyes get very large)  
  
KASAI: (From dressing room) Oh Duo, I didn't know you could do that!!  
  
ALL OTHERS: (large sweatdrops)  
  
KASAI: (opens door, whipped cream on her nose) Oh um, sorry, you all are welcome to come too, if you like.  
  
(Everyone else turn and look at each other, their disturbed expressions slowly turning into ones of excited evil..ness…)  
  
KATZE: Well JEEZ!! Took you long enough!!  
  
(Everyone remaining runs into the dressing room screaming "ORGY!!!" quite loudly, again shutting the door. Noises continue on a louder level. Suddenly, silence.)  
  
DUO: Kasai…? We're going to need more whipped cream.  
  
-FIN-  
  
  
  
Ha ha ha. Isn't it funny? I think it's very funny. Don't you? (AUDIENCE: No…) Yes you do, shut up. Now be a polite little reader and review. Okay? Good. If you all seem to like it, I'll write another episode. (AUDIENCE: DEAR GOD, NOOO!!!) …..-_-;; Losers. Now make me feel better and go to my website for more Mongoose-stroking fun:  
  
http://kasai.diaryland.com  
  
Have you stroked your mongoose today?  
  
G'bye loves!! ^_^  
  
MONGOOSE: DOOOOK!! 


End file.
